'That' question

These last few weeks have been far from easy. What with trying to establish myself a new life & put the past behind me. I managed to get a waitressing job, with the help from a new friend I have made. I have been working all the hours that god has sent me, and when I am not working I am either with 'C' (aka The One) or my new friend (who from now on shall be called Z).
I am in a difficult place right now. Kinda like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. C and Z don't like each other. C doesn't like Z because he thinks Z is bad news. Lets be honest here, Z is bad news. He's the type of person that your parents would warn you to stay away from. But there is just something about him. I seem to have brought out a new side to him, a softer side. He has been nothing but lovely to me. And having a friend like that has helped me so much right now. He's been just what I needed. And having Z as a friend is a lot better than not being his friend.....
Anyway, I have been staying with C and seeing Z, and C doesn't like the amount of time I have been spending with Z. Sorry for all the rythming letters. Anyway, C doesn't want me to get attatched to Z and get hurt.
All of a sudden C has this concern for me. I loved him so much, and of course a part of me always will. He is The One afterall. I want to make him happy, I'd do anything for him. I trust him, and I adore him. And he is looking after me and helping me. I came here so that I could take the crumbs that he is willing to throw me, and yet he is giving me so much more.
Z doesn't like C because he thinks C is too overprotective of me, when, I quote "he has no right to be". Z doesn't like the hold C has over me.
Now, Z is just a friend. I know, I know I have said that a million times. But this time I mean it. Afterall I am trying to live in the future, and not make the same mistakes of my past. Z can be so sweet sometimes. The things he says and the way he is with me. I am getting this kind of inkling that he likes me.
When I first met him I was vulnerable, and he looked after me. Now it's like he wants to take care of me all the time. Now I know I am troubled, but I am feeling kinda smothered by all this protection and protectiveness. It isn't helping me.
I am trying to break out and make a new beginning, a life for myself. I need C in my life because he is The One. And as I said earlier, I am willing to take the scraps he is willing to throw to me. But he is becoming the person he was when we were together, and it is quite painful. I want so much to be how we were, but I know that can't happen. Z insists that C is using me. I think Z is jealous.
I am confused.
So, you see, here I am. The two people that mean the most to be right now, are against each other. Having Z to talk to is a life saver, I swear. But C.. C knows everything about me, and I still continue to crawl to him and tell him everything. Z pretty much knows my life story too. And it's like they both think they can have a claim to me because of it.
I am just trying to get this out of my system, but reading the words is just confusing me now.
I am not leading Z on. But, what if he has taken it that way? What if he has misread my signals? I get along so much better with guys than I do with girls, and it raises the question "Can girls and guys every really be just friends"? Straight guys and gals that is. Is there always going to be that thing in the way of the friendship?
With C I started out as his friend and then we fell in love. A love that I am never going to be able to let go of. A love I never want to let go of. C's friendship is my reason to live right now. He is my world. If there was a choice between C and Z, C would win hands down.
I want to continue being friends with Z, because it is great having a friend that is always looking out for you, cheering you up, and just being there for you. But the closer I get to C, the further away Z gets.
I had a sudden urge at the weekend to ask Z to move in with me. It would help with the bills, and I could imagine us being a bit like F.R.I.E.N.D.S. In the apartment I am moving in to, Z and I know quite a few people. It would be so much fun. But Z said to me "I dont think that would be a very good idea, would it Kes?". Meaning what exactly? That living together means we have to sleep together? That he doesn't trust himself to live with me? What does he mean???
In the mean time I am staying with C and loving every minute of it. The late night talks, the random snack combinations, falling asleep next to each other after talking so much my voice feels hoarse.
There is no contest Z. If you want to be in my life, the only vacant spot I have is as a friend. That is all there is, so take it or leave it. I would rather not have you in my life at all. Your a great friend and you mean a lot to me, but a friend is all it is and all it ever will be.
C is the number one man in my life, even though we are only officially friends too. I have had so many messed up relationships, that I don't want to date anyone right now. Though of course that would change if C wanted to. But he doesn't. And so I need some time and space to grow up a bit, before I am ready to go down that path again.
That's the way it is. It's not all or nothing, Z, it's being willing to accept that we are just friends, and that that's all it's ever going to be.
Wow.. What a ramble.. My head is still such a jumble. With C saying one thing in one ear and Z saying something in the other, I really don't know what to do. Well, I do.. I will talk to Z and tell him straight out exactly how I feel. Then, if he choses to accept that, all will be ok. I can't help that C doesn't like him, and so far C has not asked me not to see him. He has just said he doesn't like him. So as long as Z knows exactly where he stands in my life, and as long as C knows exactly where Z stands in my life, hopefully things might get a little smoother; a little easier.