Bye Bye C

So my life is continuing to take lots of interesting twists and turns.
Firstly I went to England at the weekend with my NYBF (which is Z). I visited my Mum, but the main reason for the trip was to stalk out my ex J. I just wanted to see how he was and what he was up to. Me & Z had so much fun though, I showed him round everywhere and he was like a proper little tourist.
And just before the weekend, we got the keys to my NY apartment. I say "we" because Z is going to stay there.. I am planning on moving back to England for good. (We also looked at an apartment in Portsmouth too).
It was fun moving in and doing a spot of light decorating. Z is the perfect tenant, I know he will pay the rent on time and he will keep the place in tip-top condition. And it also means I can come and stay whenever I want to.
To be honest I am a bit anxious about going, but I know I am doing the right thing (I always say that, don't I?). The thing is, staying in NY is getting more and more difficult with everyday. It is the place that has bought me the greatest happinest in my life, but also the greatest sadness. You see, C has been playing me again.
After everything I said about, well, he kicked me whilst I was down (not literally). He knew I relied on him and would do anything for him, and he took advantage of that. He liked having someone round that adored him.. But I found out he was actually dating someone else. Now I know we weren't exclusive or "dating", but it was still like a knife in my heart. The thought of him being with me and then going to someone else. When I tried to talk to him about it he said I didn't have any kind of claim on him and that I should be grateful that someone like him gives someone like me the time of day.
It was like something clicked, and I knew that I couldn't go on pretending everything was okay. He could dictate who I could and couldn't be friends with (remember he didn't want me to be friends with Z?), but he was stringing me along the whole time. Making me feel special and important, but all the time using me as a bit on the side whilst his girlfriend was out of town. It figures that he let me stay but only during the months she was away.
And the fact that someone like him and someone like me. I mean, wtf? Seriously? I love this guy, but seriously? I have to say though, actually that I think the right word would be loved. I am losing more and more respect and feelings for him with every passing day. It helps that I am no longer clinging on to what little I thought we actually have. It's like I finally woke up to the fact that he isn't perfect.. and that "The One" wouldn't do this to me. Wouldn't treat me this way. Wouldn't hurt me like this.
Z has been here the whole time. He has been nothing but the greatest to me. He has held me when I cried, made me laugh so much that my stomach hurt.. He has taken me out fed me, watered me and picked me up when I felt like I couldn't go on. I am relying on him a lot, which I know isn't a good thing. But he has given me such love and support, without asking for anything in return.. He has been like the ideal, perfect boyfriend would be. C didn't like me hanging around with Z, and I didn't want to get in to anything deep with Z because I love C and I didn't want to upset him. But now.. well.. I don't want to date right now because I am too battered and brusied from all the beatings my heart has taken this year.
But when I do feel ready to date, I think Z will be the perfect man for the job. I know he likes me, he's made it clear - without making me feel even the tiniest bit uncomfortable. And I feel so close to him right now. The way he has been looking after me.. He can be so tender sometimes, and it's a new thing for me.
Z hated how C was treating me, and yet he doesn't rub it in my face that he was right. And I know I said in an entry before that he was bad news, well, that was C's evaluation of him. And I have come to learn since then that there was a story behind that. C had actually had a fight a few years back in some bar, and Z had floored him. Z didn't remember him, because it was a while ago and done and dusted as far as he was concerned. But C remembered and hated it, and wanted to find a way for me not to be friends with Z. So he lied about Z being bad news, so that I wouldn't want to be friends with him. When the fact is Z was just helping his friend who C had hit for changing the song on the jukebox. So who's the jerk? C. And all the time I thought Z had this bad side to him, when it was only a protective side that I have come to know and love.
The fact that C was so insecure is kinda pathetic. I mean, because Z was stronger than him physically he tried to push him out of my life. I don't get guys sometimes.
Z told me he hasn't been in a lot of fights, but that he would do anything for his friends and family. C.. well, he's all out for himself. He didn't want me himself because I am not good enough for him (his words), but he doesn't want anyone else to have me because he liked the dependance I had on him. And the devotion I gave to him.
Seriously, I am so fed up of being messed around by guys. Z is such a decent guy, and he has been here this whole time whilst I have been being messed around, and I didn't even realise. Well I am glad I have now.
Saying goodbye to C wasn't hard this time. Actually it was pretty easy considering. But yep, I was in control and I was the one that walked away, and the look on his face... well, I will treasure it. Finally standing up to him gave me such a burst of confidence like I haven't had for ages. He was so shocked. It was just a short and sweet "I'm not taking any more of this" type speech, followed by an "Oh, and I'm moving in with Z". Ha, he was like "Not only are you going but your leaving me for him?". And I said "It looks like the best man won... again". Although at the time I wasn't thinking of it in terms of actually dating Z. I mean, we're just going with the flow and enjoying this new friendship. Which is all it truly is.. at the moment.
I won't get to see my daughter over Christmas.. I am sad, it's her first Christmas. Yet I am not ready to face my husband yet. But Z promised me that when I feel up to it, he will come to Croatia with me to see her. That makes the whole thought of it not feel so bad. I know Z will look after me and not let anything bad happen to me.
We are going to spend Christmas together, and then he invited me to California to spend New Year with him and his family (that's where he comes from). So I said yes to that. And then in January I will go and see my daughter, and then get myself settled in England to begin my new start. New Year, New Start, and I really do mean that this time.
The only thing I can see being a problem in the future is letting go of Z. I wanna take him everywhere with me. I want him to move to Pompey with me. I want to be with him forever, because no one makes me feel as happy as him. Unconditonally happy. There have always been complications with everyone else, but with Z everything is pure and simple.
Hmm.. I wonder if I could persuade him to move to England?.....