Christmas Magic

Christmas was lovely. Just me and my NYBF.
We spent Christmas Eve watching lots of Christmas movies, we went for walks around NY and got caught up in the last minute hustle & bustle of Christmas shopping. We didn't buy anything. Just drifted from shop to shop taking in all the sights & sounds. We went out again in the evening and looked at all the beautiful decorations lit up so wonderfully.
On Christmas morning we exchanged gifts. I had bought him a watch and he had bought me.. well.. a lot of things. We made Christmas lunch together. It was so much fun. We watched more Christmas movies & Madagascar 1 & 2. In the evening we cosied up and tucked in to some yummy chocolate.
Boxing Day we went to Long Island beach. We were wrapped up like two michelin men. We had a picnic of left over meat sandwiches & stuff from the day before. We went for a long walk and in the evening we made a fire and just talked. It was lovely. Perfect.
I think it has got to rate as my best Christmas yet.
Then for New Years, as planned, we went to California to spend it with my NYBF's family. Their house. Wow. It was like something out of the O.C. If I lived there I wouldn't ever have wanted to leave home. Not to mention to New York. By the end of the trip my NYBF's Mum asked if we'd stay forever.
NYBF's family are so so nice. They are like the nicest people I have ever met. His Mum is so sweet. She's like Chuck out of Pushing Daisies. She's sweetness personified.
NYBF & I went to Santa Monica pier one day, and we went shopping, and we stayed in at his Mum's house too because really they had everything you could possibly want there.
On New Years Eve NYBF's Mum was throwing a huge party for all the family and friends. We spent the day helping her get the place ready. She should be a party planner... it was all just amazing.
NYBF & I spent the night dancing, mingling and just enjoying everything. And when it struck midnight we shared out first kiss.
It sounds like a fairytale, doesn't it? That's how it feels. After that we spent the next three days kissing and talking and just being with each other.
And well, I think it's safe to say I am falling in love with him. We are just taking things one day at a time.
We arried back in NY this lunch time. We just finished unpacking and had some lunch. I am supposed to be going to Croatia on Friday to visit Luka for the weekend. NYBF is coming with me now. He knows that I was worried about seeing Noah again. I am still waiting for him to hurt me or get some kind of revenge on me. I said before how he always likes to have the last word. NYBF has promised to look after me. Plus he can't bear the thought of spending the weekend without me.
My plans to move back to England are still going ahead. I signed a contract on the apartment back in December so even if I did change my mind, I have a contract to adhere by.
When I was in California NYBF's Mum saw my necklace. Which consists of my wedding & engagement ring, plus the gem that originally came on the necklace. She asked me about it. I told her about Noah and Luka. She asked me about my feelings for NYBF. I was honest. I told her we were taking things one day at a time, but, at the end of the day I am still married.
NYBF and I haven't really spoken about what is going to happen when I move back to England. If I asked him to, I know he would drop everything and move with me. But I am not sure if I could ask that of him. And also.. if I did that, well, it would be like saying yes, this is a proper serious relationship. And it would be this big commitment again, when I was supposed to be biding my time and not hurrying things again. I know you can't help who you fall in love with or when, but still... I am anxious about bringing him back to England and setting up home with him on a permenant bais. But, saying that, the thought of living without him is a devestating thought. I am pretty torn at the moment.
I am wondering if Noah's punishment will be not to grant me a divorce. But that would be too nice for him. I know him. And I know that he has got something up his sleeve. When I spoke to him at the weekend about visitng Luka next weekend, he said about staying at my Mother in Laws house. But I said NYBF was coming too, and that it wouldn't be wise anyway. He seemed a bit annoyed but not surprised. I suppose seeing as he knows me very well too, he knows I wouldn't just come back to Croatia on my own. Not after how he trapped me there before.
So yeah.. That is pretty much it. NYBF and I have lots of important things to do (ie visit Luka in Croatia, which means seeing Noah) and sorting out the rest of our lives (shall we make a proper go of this or not?). The thing is, I think I am really falling in love with NYBF. But I am not sure that I am able to let myself fall again. I have been hurt so many times, and maybe that is why I am holding back from fully letting NYBF be the centre of my life. Why I am not saying, yes, let's do this England thing together. NYBF understands how I am feeling, that's why he hasn't rushed me although I know he would like to up things another few levels. But he knows how much I have been hurt, and that is the last thing he wants to do to me.
I think he is a bit anxious about meeting Noah, even though he won't let on. I mean, who wouldn't be anxious about meeting his girlfriends husband?
God. When did my life get so complicated? When I was in England before Christmas and I saw J, it made me realise how simple my life was back there. Why couldn't I have been grateful and happy? Why did I have to think there was more out there? Why did I have to hope for bigger things? It's funny though that, I left Pompey in the beginning to escape, and now I am going back there because it's home...
I am so confused right now. When I look back at what I wanted when I was younger, I have had it already. I have got it. But what I want now is.. well.. I don't know what I want anymore. A part of me wishes someone would just tell me what to do. But then I rememeber that I had that with Noah.. So you see, I am going round in circles....

Bye Bye C

So my life is continuing to take lots of interesting twists and turns.
Firstly I went to England at the weekend with my NYBF (which is Z). I visited my Mum, but the main reason for the trip was to stalk out my ex J. I just wanted to see how he was and what he was up to. Me & Z had so much fun though, I showed him round everywhere and he was like a proper little tourist.
And just before the weekend, we got the keys to my NY apartment. I say "we" because Z is going to stay there.. I am planning on moving back to England for good. (We also looked at an apartment in Portsmouth too).
It was fun moving in and doing a spot of light decorating. Z is the perfect tenant, I know he will pay the rent on time and he will keep the place in tip-top condition. And it also means I can come and stay whenever I want to.
To be honest I am a bit anxious about going, but I know I am doing the right thing (I always say that, don't I?). The thing is, staying in NY is getting more and more difficult with everyday. It is the place that has bought me the greatest happinest in my life, but also the greatest sadness. You see, C has been playing me again.
After everything I said about, well, he kicked me whilst I was down (not literally). He knew I relied on him and would do anything for him, and he took advantage of that. He liked having someone round that adored him.. But I found out he was actually dating someone else. Now I know we weren't exclusive or "dating", but it was still like a knife in my heart. The thought of him being with me and then going to someone else. When I tried to talk to him about it he said I didn't have any kind of claim on him and that I should be grateful that someone like him gives someone like me the time of day.
It was like something clicked, and I knew that I couldn't go on pretending everything was okay. He could dictate who I could and couldn't be friends with (remember he didn't want me to be friends with Z?), but he was stringing me along the whole time. Making me feel special and important, but all the time using me as a bit on the side whilst his girlfriend was out of town. It figures that he let me stay but only during the months she was away.
And the fact that someone like him and someone like me. I mean, wtf? Seriously? I love this guy, but seriously? I have to say though, actually that I think the right word would be loved. I am losing more and more respect and feelings for him with every passing day. It helps that I am no longer clinging on to what little I thought we actually have. It's like I finally woke up to the fact that he isn't perfect.. and that "The One" wouldn't do this to me. Wouldn't treat me this way. Wouldn't hurt me like this.
Z has been here the whole time. He has been nothing but the greatest to me. He has held me when I cried, made me laugh so much that my stomach hurt.. He has taken me out fed me, watered me and picked me up when I felt like I couldn't go on. I am relying on him a lot, which I know isn't a good thing. But he has given me such love and support, without asking for anything in return.. He has been like the ideal, perfect boyfriend would be. C didn't like me hanging around with Z, and I didn't want to get in to anything deep with Z because I love C and I didn't want to upset him. But now.. well.. I don't want to date right now because I am too battered and brusied from all the beatings my heart has taken this year.
But when I do feel ready to date, I think Z will be the perfect man for the job. I know he likes me, he's made it clear - without making me feel even the tiniest bit uncomfortable. And I feel so close to him right now. The way he has been looking after me.. He can be so tender sometimes, and it's a new thing for me.
Z hated how C was treating me, and yet he doesn't rub it in my face that he was right. And I know I said in an entry before that he was bad news, well, that was C's evaluation of him. And I have come to learn since then that there was a story behind that. C had actually had a fight a few years back in some bar, and Z had floored him. Z didn't remember him, because it was a while ago and done and dusted as far as he was concerned. But C remembered and hated it, and wanted to find a way for me not to be friends with Z. So he lied about Z being bad news, so that I wouldn't want to be friends with him. When the fact is Z was just helping his friend who C had hit for changing the song on the jukebox. So who's the jerk? C. And all the time I thought Z had this bad side to him, when it was only a protective side that I have come to know and love.
The fact that C was so insecure is kinda pathetic. I mean, because Z was stronger than him physically he tried to push him out of my life. I don't get guys sometimes.
Z told me he hasn't been in a lot of fights, but that he would do anything for his friends and family. C.. well, he's all out for himself. He didn't want me himself because I am not good enough for him (his words), but he doesn't want anyone else to have me because he liked the dependance I had on him. And the devotion I gave to him.
Seriously, I am so fed up of being messed around by guys. Z is such a decent guy, and he has been here this whole time whilst I have been being messed around, and I didn't even realise. Well I am glad I have now.
Saying goodbye to C wasn't hard this time. Actually it was pretty easy considering. But yep, I was in control and I was the one that walked away, and the look on his face... well, I will treasure it. Finally standing up to him gave me such a burst of confidence like I haven't had for ages. He was so shocked. It was just a short and sweet "I'm not taking any more of this" type speech, followed by an "Oh, and I'm moving in with Z". Ha, he was like "Not only are you going but your leaving me for him?". And I said "It looks like the best man won... again". Although at the time I wasn't thinking of it in terms of actually dating Z. I mean, we're just going with the flow and enjoying this new friendship. Which is all it truly is.. at the moment.
I won't get to see my daughter over Christmas.. I am sad, it's her first Christmas. Yet I am not ready to face my husband yet. But Z promised me that when I feel up to it, he will come to Croatia with me to see her. That makes the whole thought of it not feel so bad. I know Z will look after me and not let anything bad happen to me.
We are going to spend Christmas together, and then he invited me to California to spend New Year with him and his family (that's where he comes from). So I said yes to that. And then in January I will go and see my daughter, and then get myself settled in England to begin my new start. New Year, New Start, and I really do mean that this time.
The only thing I can see being a problem in the future is letting go of Z. I wanna take him everywhere with me. I want him to move to Pompey with me. I want to be with him forever, because no one makes me feel as happy as him. Unconditonally happy. There have always been complications with everyone else, but with Z everything is pure and simple.
Hmm.. I wonder if I could persuade him to move to England?.....

'That' question

These last few weeks have been far from easy. What with trying to establish myself a new life & put the past behind me. I managed to get a waitressing job, with the help from a new friend I have made. I have been working all the hours that god has sent me, and when I am not working I am either with 'C' (aka The One) or my new friend (who from now on shall be called Z).
I am in a difficult place right now. Kinda like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. C and Z don't like each other. C doesn't like Z because he thinks Z is bad news. Lets be honest here, Z is bad news. He's the type of person that your parents would warn you to stay away from. But there is just something about him. I seem to have brought out a new side to him, a softer side. He has been nothing but lovely to me. And having a friend like that has helped me so much right now. He's been just what I needed. And having Z as a friend is a lot better than not being his friend.....
Anyway, I have been staying with C and seeing Z, and C doesn't like the amount of time I have been spending with Z. Sorry for all the rythming letters. Anyway, C doesn't want me to get attatched to Z and get hurt.
All of a sudden C has this concern for me. I loved him so much, and of course a part of me always will. He is The One afterall. I want to make him happy, I'd do anything for him. I trust him, and I adore him. And he is looking after me and helping me. I came here so that I could take the crumbs that he is willing to throw me, and yet he is giving me so much more.
Z doesn't like C because he thinks C is too overprotective of me, when, I quote "he has no right to be". Z doesn't like the hold C has over me.
Now, Z is just a friend. I know, I know I have said that a million times. But this time I mean it. Afterall I am trying to live in the future, and not make the same mistakes of my past. Z can be so sweet sometimes. The things he says and the way he is with me. I am getting this kind of inkling that he likes me.
When I first met him I was vulnerable, and he looked after me. Now it's like he wants to take care of me all the time. Now I know I am troubled, but I am feeling kinda smothered by all this protection and protectiveness. It isn't helping me.
I am trying to break out and make a new beginning, a life for myself. I need C in my life because he is The One. And as I said earlier, I am willing to take the scraps he is willing to throw to me. But he is becoming the person he was when we were together, and it is quite painful. I want so much to be how we were, but I know that can't happen. Z insists that C is using me. I think Z is jealous.
I am confused.
So, you see, here I am. The two people that mean the most to be right now, are against each other. Having Z to talk to is a life saver, I swear. But C.. C knows everything about me, and I still continue to crawl to him and tell him everything. Z pretty much knows my life story too. And it's like they both think they can have a claim to me because of it.
I am just trying to get this out of my system, but reading the words is just confusing me now.
I am not leading Z on. But, what if he has taken it that way? What if he has misread my signals? I get along so much better with guys than I do with girls, and it raises the question "Can girls and guys every really be just friends"? Straight guys and gals that is. Is there always going to be that thing in the way of the friendship?
With C I started out as his friend and then we fell in love. A love that I am never going to be able to let go of. A love I never want to let go of. C's friendship is my reason to live right now. He is my world. If there was a choice between C and Z, C would win hands down.
I want to continue being friends with Z, because it is great having a friend that is always looking out for you, cheering you up, and just being there for you. But the closer I get to C, the further away Z gets.
I had a sudden urge at the weekend to ask Z to move in with me. It would help with the bills, and I could imagine us being a bit like F.R.I.E.N.D.S. In the apartment I am moving in to, Z and I know quite a few people. It would be so much fun. But Z said to me "I dont think that would be a very good idea, would it Kes?". Meaning what exactly? That living together means we have to sleep together? That he doesn't trust himself to live with me? What does he mean???
In the mean time I am staying with C and loving every minute of it. The late night talks, the random snack combinations, falling asleep next to each other after talking so much my voice feels hoarse.
There is no contest Z. If you want to be in my life, the only vacant spot I have is as a friend. That is all there is, so take it or leave it. I would rather not have you in my life at all. Your a great friend and you mean a lot to me, but a friend is all it is and all it ever will be.
C is the number one man in my life, even though we are only officially friends too. I have had so many messed up relationships, that I don't want to date anyone right now. Though of course that would change if C wanted to. But he doesn't. And so I need some time and space to grow up a bit, before I am ready to go down that path again.
That's the way it is. It's not all or nothing, Z, it's being willing to accept that we are just friends, and that that's all it's ever going to be.
Wow.. What a ramble.. My head is still such a jumble. With C saying one thing in one ear and Z saying something in the other, I really don't know what to do. Well, I do.. I will talk to Z and tell him straight out exactly how I feel. Then, if he choses to accept that, all will be ok. I can't help that C doesn't like him, and so far C has not asked me not to see him. He has just said he doesn't like him. So as long as Z knows exactly where he stands in my life, and as long as C knows exactly where Z stands in my life, hopefully things might get a little smoother; a little easier.

Shoes & Truths

Well guys and gals, what can I say?
I had quite a week of it last week, what with one thing and another.
By the time my husband came back from Australia I had decided once and for all that I was going to leave him.
There is only so much phyiscal and mental abuse that one person can put up with. I finally reached my level, and decided that enough was enough.
I want to be happy in life, is that so much to ask?
New York was where I have been at my happiest, so that is where I was going to go. I spoke to 'C', yes you read that right, and he said that I could stay with him until I got sorted. That was all I needed to hear, so I booked my one way flight.
The strange thing was, Noah didn't put up a fight like I thought he would. After all the grief he put me through, I was surprised but how easily he let me go. I have my suspicions he is plotting something, but I am not sure what.
He had bought me back a present from Australia, and insisted that I take it with me and open it when I got to New York. He had bought me some pink suede Lolo69 Christian Louboutins. They have to be the most stunning pair of shoes I have ever seen.
I have to confess, Noah is the one that has bought me my whole collection of Christian Louboutins. When I first met him, he bought me a pair. And throughout our time together he has bought me more pairs. I have bought some Jimmy Choo's for myself, and even a pair of Prada shoes, but never Christian Louboutins. It's almost as if they were mine and Noah's "thing".
I was surprised by the gift. He hasn't given me one in a while. But I suppose when you go on trips you buy presents for each other. But maybe he had an inkling of what I was planning on doing, and bought the shoes on purpose? Kind of like "this'll be what your missing" type thing? Or maybe he bought them because he saw them and knew I'd love them?
I don't know. I can't put anything past Noah.
So, I arrived in New York very late on Saturday. I went straight to 'C's house. I filled him in on the last few months of my life, and he told me it was great to see me again. You can imagine that practically melted me inside. For those of you who don't know, 'C' is 'The One'. Just sitting there and talking to him made me feel the happiest I have been in a long time.
Since then I have been looking for an apartment for myself. I have an idea of what I want, and I have a price range. This week is all about looking for somewhere to live. I am hoping I will be able to be in somewhere before Christmas. I know that is not a lot of time, but all my dealings in real estate have ran pretty smoothly. Perhaps that's because I know someone who has been able to "hurry things along".
I feel so much better and happier, but not completely off the hook. I am waiting for Noah's next move. He will bide his time, he'll surprise me when I least expect it.. But I just know he is going to do something. I just know. Just as he knows me inside out, I know him pretty damn well too. I know that he has to have the last word on everything.
I have been speaking to my Croatian BF Cora, and she said she will keep an eye on Noah and his partner in crime JN.
Meanwhile in New York I have to re-establish myself. The last time I was here I had C, E, DJ, Kate & Ste. This time round I have just C. And of course time has moved on since we were together. As a matter of fact, it has been over a year since we had our proper "thing". There were other "things" since then, but the "real thing" was a year ago.
I have lots to figure out too. So I am expecting a busy few weeks.
I will try and keep you up to date, but who knows when I'll write again?

A Day At The Office

My husband has gone to Australia for the week on a buisness trip.
He has quite a big company that has bases in several countries.
Whilst he is away he asked me (or should I say, told me?) to open and close head office, which is in Croatia [where we live].
A simple enough task. I work in the office anyway, on reception and as a PA to my husband. He gave me the keys and strict instuctions.
So what did I do? Well, at first I did as I was told. I opened up, everyone went to their respective offices and rooms. I want to our office, opened the mail. Responded to letters and phonecalls as much as I could without my husbands help. Then I made myself a drink and decided to have a little "break". I had bought my JLS cd with me, and I thought I'd listen to it for a bit. I have it on my IPod and in my car, but the CD ended up making the trip too. So I opened the cd player, put the cd in and pressed play. The next thing, JLS "Beat Again" is blaring out on the PA/speaker system for the whole office!! Every room, every office, even the toilets! The was Croatia's first tase of JLS, I think!!
I was so embarrassed. But that wasn't the only problem I had today. Trying to find information and things in my husbands office, only to find all the draws and cupboards locked. It wasn't very helpful at all. It limited how much I could help people, and how many questions I could answer of clients and potential clients.
When my husband is at work I usually just open the mail, answer basic questions, answer the telephone, and do basic filing.
But this week I have a bigger responsiblity, and yet doing them was twice as hard because I didn't have the nessasary stuff to help me. I was so frustrated!!
I thought I would start writing this blog again, because I used to find it quite helpful having somewhere to write down my thoughts and feelings.
I made another blog a week or so ago called "Beat Again", but I am not going to use that one for now. Even though I have deleted the entries from this one time and time again, I keep coming back to it. There is just something about this blog!!
So anyway, I have four (possibly more) days left of running the office. I spoke to my husband and asked him how I was supposed to do everything he asked of me when he had locked away all the resources? He wasn't too happy with me for speaking to him like that, but he is obviously having a good time in Australia because he didn't fly off the handle like he usually does.
He told me where the keys to the cupboards were, so that I could get all books, booklets, pamphlets and information that potential clients would need. And he told me to direct any "urgent" calls from clients to his mobile. But he didn't tell me where to find the keys to his desk, and I couldn't find them!! I looked!! Because I wanted to know what he was hiding in there!
He is so damn secretive! He locks his study at home too. I can't get in to their either! When he is working in his study in the evenings, he makes me knock before I go in! I should have known he wouldn't give me the oppportunity to snoop whilst he was away!
I don't think it's that he is "up to" anything, I just think that he doesn't trust me. That is a long story, that I am not going to go in to now.
Previous blog readers will know some of the basics of my turbulent relationship with my husband. As I said, I am not going go to too much in to it now, but as you will come to see our marriage isn't exactly what you'd call a happy one.
I had the weekend "off" this week. My friend Cora stayed on Saturday night, so that she could look after my daughter and let me have my first lie-in in months! Cora is such a great friend. She is gorgeous, she has a heart of pure gold and she is so sweet. She is kind and considerate, and always puts everyone else before herself without being a doormat. I am blessed to have her in my life. She had other commitments, so my Saturday tea time she was off. But that extra few hours in bed made all the difference to me.
But do you ever find that two days off isn't actually long enough for you to overcome the tiredness before it all starts again? So I woke up this morning and wanted nothing more than to just stay there all day. Sod work. But of course I couldn't.
So that was my first day in charge. No doubt I will get in a lot of trouble when my husband finds out about the JLS incident. But I am was not too worried about that on it's own. But if you mix in to the equation that on Friday just hours after my husband left for Australia, I curbed his Holden Monaro.. Well that is just me in a whole lot of trouble!! That is two bad strikes against me, after just three days!! And believe me, nothing escapes my husband's attention!
Anyway, I have spent an hour writing this, so I think that will be all for today.