Bye Bye C

So my life is continuing to take lots of interesting twists and turns.
Firstly I went to England at the weekend with my NYBF (which is Z). I visited my Mum, but the main reason for the trip was to stalk out my ex J. I just wanted to see how he was and what he was up to. Me & Z had so much fun though, I showed him round everywhere and he was like a proper little tourist.
And just before the weekend, we got the keys to my NY apartment. I say "we" because Z is going to stay there.. I am planning on moving back to England for good. (We also looked at an apartment in Portsmouth too).
It was fun moving in and doing a spot of light decorating. Z is the perfect tenant, I know he will pay the rent on time and he will keep the place in tip-top condition. And it also means I can come and stay whenever I want to.
To be honest I am a bit anxious about going, but I know I am doing the right thing (I always say that, don't I?). The thing is, staying in NY is getting more and more difficult with everyday. It is the place that has bought me the greatest happinest in my life, but also the greatest sadness. You see, C has been playing me again.
After everything I said about, well, he kicked me whilst I was down (not literally). He knew I relied on him and would do anything for him, and he took advantage of that. He liked having someone round that adored him.. But I found out he was actually dating someone else. Now I know we weren't exclusive or "dating", but it was still like a knife in my heart. The thought of him being with me and then going to someone else. When I tried to talk to him about it he said I didn't have any kind of claim on him and that I should be grateful that someone like him gives someone like me the time of day.
It was like something clicked, and I knew that I couldn't go on pretending everything was okay. He could dictate who I could and couldn't be friends with (remember he didn't want me to be friends with Z?), but he was stringing me along the whole time. Making me feel special and important, but all the time using me as a bit on the side whilst his girlfriend was out of town. It figures that he let me stay but only during the months she was away.
And the fact that someone like him and someone like me. I mean, wtf? Seriously? I love this guy, but seriously? I have to say though, actually that I think the right word would be loved. I am losing more and more respect and feelings for him with every passing day. It helps that I am no longer clinging on to what little I thought we actually have. It's like I finally woke up to the fact that he isn't perfect.. and that "The One" wouldn't do this to me. Wouldn't treat me this way. Wouldn't hurt me like this.
Z has been here the whole time. He has been nothing but the greatest to me. He has held me when I cried, made me laugh so much that my stomach hurt.. He has taken me out fed me, watered me and picked me up when I felt like I couldn't go on. I am relying on him a lot, which I know isn't a good thing. But he has given me such love and support, without asking for anything in return.. He has been like the ideal, perfect boyfriend would be. C didn't like me hanging around with Z, and I didn't want to get in to anything deep with Z because I love C and I didn't want to upset him. But now.. well.. I don't want to date right now because I am too battered and brusied from all the beatings my heart has taken this year.
But when I do feel ready to date, I think Z will be the perfect man for the job. I know he likes me, he's made it clear - without making me feel even the tiniest bit uncomfortable. And I feel so close to him right now. The way he has been looking after me.. He can be so tender sometimes, and it's a new thing for me.
Z hated how C was treating me, and yet he doesn't rub it in my face that he was right. And I know I said in an entry before that he was bad news, well, that was C's evaluation of him. And I have come to learn since then that there was a story behind that. C had actually had a fight a few years back in some bar, and Z had floored him. Z didn't remember him, because it was a while ago and done and dusted as far as he was concerned. But C remembered and hated it, and wanted to find a way for me not to be friends with Z. So he lied about Z being bad news, so that I wouldn't want to be friends with him. When the fact is Z was just helping his friend who C had hit for changing the song on the jukebox. So who's the jerk? C. And all the time I thought Z had this bad side to him, when it was only a protective side that I have come to know and love.
The fact that C was so insecure is kinda pathetic. I mean, because Z was stronger than him physically he tried to push him out of my life. I don't get guys sometimes.
Z told me he hasn't been in a lot of fights, but that he would do anything for his friends and family. C.. well, he's all out for himself. He didn't want me himself because I am not good enough for him (his words), but he doesn't want anyone else to have me because he liked the dependance I had on him. And the devotion I gave to him.
Seriously, I am so fed up of being messed around by guys. Z is such a decent guy, and he has been here this whole time whilst I have been being messed around, and I didn't even realise. Well I am glad I have now.
Saying goodbye to C wasn't hard this time. Actually it was pretty easy considering. But yep, I was in control and I was the one that walked away, and the look on his face... well, I will treasure it. Finally standing up to him gave me such a burst of confidence like I haven't had for ages. He was so shocked. It was just a short and sweet "I'm not taking any more of this" type speech, followed by an "Oh, and I'm moving in with Z". Ha, he was like "Not only are you going but your leaving me for him?". And I said "It looks like the best man won... again". Although at the time I wasn't thinking of it in terms of actually dating Z. I mean, we're just going with the flow and enjoying this new friendship. Which is all it truly is.. at the moment.
I won't get to see my daughter over Christmas.. I am sad, it's her first Christmas. Yet I am not ready to face my husband yet. But Z promised me that when I feel up to it, he will come to Croatia with me to see her. That makes the whole thought of it not feel so bad. I know Z will look after me and not let anything bad happen to me.
We are going to spend Christmas together, and then he invited me to California to spend New Year with him and his family (that's where he comes from). So I said yes to that. And then in January I will go and see my daughter, and then get myself settled in England to begin my new start. New Year, New Start, and I really do mean that this time.
The only thing I can see being a problem in the future is letting go of Z. I wanna take him everywhere with me. I want him to move to Pompey with me. I want to be with him forever, because no one makes me feel as happy as him. Unconditonally happy. There have always been complications with everyone else, but with Z everything is pure and simple.
Hmm.. I wonder if I could persuade him to move to England?.....

'That' question

These last few weeks have been far from easy. What with trying to establish myself a new life & put the past behind me. I managed to get a waitressing job, with the help from a new friend I have made. I have been working all the hours that god has sent me, and when I am not working I am either with 'C' (aka The One) or my new friend (who from now on shall be called Z).
I am in a difficult place right now. Kinda like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. C and Z don't like each other. C doesn't like Z because he thinks Z is bad news. Lets be honest here, Z is bad news. He's the type of person that your parents would warn you to stay away from. But there is just something about him. I seem to have brought out a new side to him, a softer side. He has been nothing but lovely to me. And having a friend like that has helped me so much right now. He's been just what I needed. And having Z as a friend is a lot better than not being his friend.....
Anyway, I have been staying with C and seeing Z, and C doesn't like the amount of time I have been spending with Z. Sorry for all the rythming letters. Anyway, C doesn't want me to get attatched to Z and get hurt.
All of a sudden C has this concern for me. I loved him so much, and of course a part of me always will. He is The One afterall. I want to make him happy, I'd do anything for him. I trust him, and I adore him. And he is looking after me and helping me. I came here so that I could take the crumbs that he is willing to throw me, and yet he is giving me so much more.
Z doesn't like C because he thinks C is too overprotective of me, when, I quote "he has no right to be". Z doesn't like the hold C has over me.
Now, Z is just a friend. I know, I know I have said that a million times. But this time I mean it. Afterall I am trying to live in the future, and not make the same mistakes of my past. Z can be so sweet sometimes. The things he says and the way he is with me. I am getting this kind of inkling that he likes me.
When I first met him I was vulnerable, and he looked after me. Now it's like he wants to take care of me all the time. Now I know I am troubled, but I am feeling kinda smothered by all this protection and protectiveness. It isn't helping me.
I am trying to break out and make a new beginning, a life for myself. I need C in my life because he is The One. And as I said earlier, I am willing to take the scraps he is willing to throw to me. But he is becoming the person he was when we were together, and it is quite painful. I want so much to be how we were, but I know that can't happen. Z insists that C is using me. I think Z is jealous.
I am confused.
So, you see, here I am. The two people that mean the most to be right now, are against each other. Having Z to talk to is a life saver, I swear. But C.. C knows everything about me, and I still continue to crawl to him and tell him everything. Z pretty much knows my life story too. And it's like they both think they can have a claim to me because of it.
I am just trying to get this out of my system, but reading the words is just confusing me now.
I am not leading Z on. But, what if he has taken it that way? What if he has misread my signals? I get along so much better with guys than I do with girls, and it raises the question "Can girls and guys every really be just friends"? Straight guys and gals that is. Is there always going to be that thing in the way of the friendship?
With C I started out as his friend and then we fell in love. A love that I am never going to be able to let go of. A love I never want to let go of. C's friendship is my reason to live right now. He is my world. If there was a choice between C and Z, C would win hands down.
I want to continue being friends with Z, because it is great having a friend that is always looking out for you, cheering you up, and just being there for you. But the closer I get to C, the further away Z gets.
I had a sudden urge at the weekend to ask Z to move in with me. It would help with the bills, and I could imagine us being a bit like F.R.I.E.N.D.S. In the apartment I am moving in to, Z and I know quite a few people. It would be so much fun. But Z said to me "I dont think that would be a very good idea, would it Kes?". Meaning what exactly? That living together means we have to sleep together? That he doesn't trust himself to live with me? What does he mean???
In the mean time I am staying with C and loving every minute of it. The late night talks, the random snack combinations, falling asleep next to each other after talking so much my voice feels hoarse.
There is no contest Z. If you want to be in my life, the only vacant spot I have is as a friend. That is all there is, so take it or leave it. I would rather not have you in my life at all. Your a great friend and you mean a lot to me, but a friend is all it is and all it ever will be.
C is the number one man in my life, even though we are only officially friends too. I have had so many messed up relationships, that I don't want to date anyone right now. Though of course that would change if C wanted to. But he doesn't. And so I need some time and space to grow up a bit, before I am ready to go down that path again.
That's the way it is. It's not all or nothing, Z, it's being willing to accept that we are just friends, and that that's all it's ever going to be.
Wow.. What a ramble.. My head is still such a jumble. With C saying one thing in one ear and Z saying something in the other, I really don't know what to do. Well, I do.. I will talk to Z and tell him straight out exactly how I feel. Then, if he choses to accept that, all will be ok. I can't help that C doesn't like him, and so far C has not asked me not to see him. He has just said he doesn't like him. So as long as Z knows exactly where he stands in my life, and as long as C knows exactly where Z stands in my life, hopefully things might get a little smoother; a little easier.