Christmas Magic

Christmas was lovely. Just me and my NYBF.
We spent Christmas Eve watching lots of Christmas movies, we went for walks around NY and got caught up in the last minute hustle & bustle of Christmas shopping. We didn't buy anything. Just drifted from shop to shop taking in all the sights & sounds. We went out again in the evening and looked at all the beautiful decorations lit up so wonderfully.
On Christmas morning we exchanged gifts. I had bought him a watch and he had bought me.. well.. a lot of things. We made Christmas lunch together. It was so much fun. We watched more Christmas movies & Madagascar 1 & 2. In the evening we cosied up and tucked in to some yummy chocolate.
Boxing Day we went to Long Island beach. We were wrapped up like two michelin men. We had a picnic of left over meat sandwiches & stuff from the day before. We went for a long walk and in the evening we made a fire and just talked. It was lovely. Perfect.
I think it has got to rate as my best Christmas yet.
Then for New Years, as planned, we went to California to spend it with my NYBF's family. Their house. Wow. It was like something out of the O.C. If I lived there I wouldn't ever have wanted to leave home. Not to mention to New York. By the end of the trip my NYBF's Mum asked if we'd stay forever.
NYBF's family are so so nice. They are like the nicest people I have ever met. His Mum is so sweet. She's like Chuck out of Pushing Daisies. She's sweetness personified.
NYBF & I went to Santa Monica pier one day, and we went shopping, and we stayed in at his Mum's house too because really they had everything you could possibly want there.
On New Years Eve NYBF's Mum was throwing a huge party for all the family and friends. We spent the day helping her get the place ready. She should be a party planner... it was all just amazing.
NYBF & I spent the night dancing, mingling and just enjoying everything. And when it struck midnight we shared out first kiss.
It sounds like a fairytale, doesn't it? That's how it feels. After that we spent the next three days kissing and talking and just being with each other.
And well, I think it's safe to say I am falling in love with him. We are just taking things one day at a time.
We arried back in NY this lunch time. We just finished unpacking and had some lunch. I am supposed to be going to Croatia on Friday to visit Luka for the weekend. NYBF is coming with me now. He knows that I was worried about seeing Noah again. I am still waiting for him to hurt me or get some kind of revenge on me. I said before how he always likes to have the last word. NYBF has promised to look after me. Plus he can't bear the thought of spending the weekend without me.
My plans to move back to England are still going ahead. I signed a contract on the apartment back in December so even if I did change my mind, I have a contract to adhere by.
When I was in California NYBF's Mum saw my necklace. Which consists of my wedding & engagement ring, plus the gem that originally came on the necklace. She asked me about it. I told her about Noah and Luka. She asked me about my feelings for NYBF. I was honest. I told her we were taking things one day at a time, but, at the end of the day I am still married.
NYBF and I haven't really spoken about what is going to happen when I move back to England. If I asked him to, I know he would drop everything and move with me. But I am not sure if I could ask that of him. And also.. if I did that, well, it would be like saying yes, this is a proper serious relationship. And it would be this big commitment again, when I was supposed to be biding my time and not hurrying things again. I know you can't help who you fall in love with or when, but still... I am anxious about bringing him back to England and setting up home with him on a permenant bais. But, saying that, the thought of living without him is a devestating thought. I am pretty torn at the moment.
I am wondering if Noah's punishment will be not to grant me a divorce. But that would be too nice for him. I know him. And I know that he has got something up his sleeve. When I spoke to him at the weekend about visitng Luka next weekend, he said about staying at my Mother in Laws house. But I said NYBF was coming too, and that it wouldn't be wise anyway. He seemed a bit annoyed but not surprised. I suppose seeing as he knows me very well too, he knows I wouldn't just come back to Croatia on my own. Not after how he trapped me there before.
So yeah.. That is pretty much it. NYBF and I have lots of important things to do (ie visit Luka in Croatia, which means seeing Noah) and sorting out the rest of our lives (shall we make a proper go of this or not?). The thing is, I think I am really falling in love with NYBF. But I am not sure that I am able to let myself fall again. I have been hurt so many times, and maybe that is why I am holding back from fully letting NYBF be the centre of my life. Why I am not saying, yes, let's do this England thing together. NYBF understands how I am feeling, that's why he hasn't rushed me although I know he would like to up things another few levels. But he knows how much I have been hurt, and that is the last thing he wants to do to me.
I think he is a bit anxious about meeting Noah, even though he won't let on. I mean, who wouldn't be anxious about meeting his girlfriends husband?
God. When did my life get so complicated? When I was in England before Christmas and I saw J, it made me realise how simple my life was back there. Why couldn't I have been grateful and happy? Why did I have to think there was more out there? Why did I have to hope for bigger things? It's funny though that, I left Pompey in the beginning to escape, and now I am going back there because it's home...
I am so confused right now. When I look back at what I wanted when I was younger, I have had it already. I have got it. But what I want now is.. well.. I don't know what I want anymore. A part of me wishes someone would just tell me what to do. But then I rememeber that I had that with Noah.. So you see, I am going round in circles....